Update: I’m Not Dead, I’m Just a Waitress Now

I’m back, y’all. I have crawled up from the depths of my scum-riddled existence to once again entertain and delight with my blog posts.
And entertained and delighted you shall BE.

First of all, I moved to Columbia, SC back in June. I don’t know if any of you have ever moved to Columbia, SC, but it’s okay. It’s just… okay. People like football too much and everywhere is kind of dirty, but I’ve accepted that as a general theme of mid-sized cities.
Shortly after arriving, I got a job at SATO JAPANESE STEAKHOUSE as a server. It’s also, like, okay. And by that I mean if I didn’t hate the general public enough before, I certainly do now. Because I’ve learned that people are just terrible. But that’s okay. Because by learning that people are terrible, I’ve learned ways to try to help them to not be terrible. I’ve compiled a list. Please enjoy. Be informed! Be delighted! Don’t be terrible.

Lydia’s Comprehensive, Helpful, and Gentle Guide to Not Being Terrible 

  • Don’t be scared to leave more than a $2 tip on an $80+ bill. Really! I will not be offended if you want to express your admiration and appreciation of me through money. I am not above that. I know that $2.56 an hour is an awful lot to get paid for an often thankless job, but believe me. If you tip even slightly closer to 15%, I will do my BEST to remain humble.
  • Keep in mind that I split my tips with your lovely hibachi chef! Yep, right down the middle. And then I tip out the busboy (10%) and the sushi chef (I don’t really know what %). Note: I don’t mind this rule. The chefs have to deal with your ridiculous demands just as much as I do, the sushi chef is great, and the busboys are helpful. For the most part. Yousef gives me sass sometimes when I kindly ask him to refill the ice tray, etc. (you know, to do his JOB), but what can you do! My point is, when you tip me $2 I get to keep maybe 75 cents of it. Thanks!
  • DON’T LEAVE ME 38 CENTS ON THE TIP LINE OF YOUR DEBIT CARD RECEIPT TO EVEN OUT YOUR TOTAL TO $50. I WOULD RATHER YOU SPIT IN MY FACE AND PUNCH ME IN THE JAW BECAUSE AT LEAST THAT’S HONEST.
  • Smile at me! I’m smiling at you. I will smile at you even if I’m having the worst day of my life. I will make you feel welcome and appreciated! I will do everything I can to get you anything you request! Just act like you want to be in the restaurant. I will not be offended if you are polite or even nice to me. You’re allowed to smile! Life is grand.
  • While I appreciate you informing me on a busy night that it’s a bit too warm in the restaurant, you really don’t need to. I am aware. I’ve been running around in it for hours. Yes, our air-conditioner is on. So are all of our grills! You’re sitting in front of a giant flat-iron, I don’t know what else to tell you.
  • Don’t roll your eyes at me because I’ve only been working there for 3 months and you’ve been eating there for “years.” Sorry Daniel can’t be your server, he’s not working tonight. I’m still going to smile brightly and graciously at your stupid face, and the food will be the same as the last time you’ve dined with us.
  • Technically, you can come into a sit-down restaurant 15 minutes before closing time. But that will make you terrible. So just don’t.

I hope this has been informative! Let’s be not-terrible together.
Have a benevolent day.

P.S.
As a follow-up to my previous post where I documented my room’s seamless coral paint job, this is more or less what I ended up with:

room

(except now there’s laundry and books and general crap everywhere and it will never look this nice again)

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“Behemoth of Good Vibes,” “Leviathan of Tranquility,” and Other Names I’ll Answer to

You might even go so far as to call me the “Kindness Mammoth,” but I won’t put words in your mouth.

What I mean is, I’ve been calling people “dweebs” and making fun of things on the internet at an exceedingly high rate lately. I am a beacon of positive thinking.
Some of you probably see my tweets. If so, you don’t really need to read the rest of this post because I’m just going to write some more about animals that mate for life(!!) and people who sit too close to me in uncrowded public spaces (topics that I feel VERY strongly about). However, if you’re interested in my jovial outlook on life and gentle-but-firm opinions, enjoy the ride!

The other day I saw some article that mentioned some prairie animal and got really excited about it being “one of the few animals that mate for life!!” (I mean the article got excited, not me. I don’t really get excited about the mating habits of prairie animals. If that’s your deal though, cool.) The thing is, I’ve seen enough different “one of the few animals that mate for life” things that I don’t really feel like it’s that special. According to my google search “how many animals mate for life,” there are at least 20. I’d say there’s probably a maximum of like, 40 different types of animals in general,* so I’m just not that blown away.

For example, geese mate for life. That’s nice. But if you were literally only concerned with staying alive and having babies, it probably wouldn’t be too hard to find a partner who shares your ideals either. To me, the only impressive thing about geese mating for life is how in the world they can tell each other apart to figure out who their mates are.

geese

“I’m sure one of you is my wife” – goose in front

Show me a couple of geese with financial problems and dissenting political views and then I’ll be impressed they’ve been together 5 years.

Other Things I Have Opinions On:

  • inspirational stick-on wall decals (nice inspirational stick-on wall decals, dweeb)
  • people on the internet and their love for those photos of handwritten “romantic” notes. you know the ones 
    note dweeb
    note 2 (DWEEBS**
  • virally-liked facebook posts (easily-digestible insincere garbage, most of the time)
  • this GUY at the COFFEE SHOP who sat OBSCENELY close to meexcuse me
    (sir, do you see these other empty tables? we are two of four people here. you and your haircut are infringing on my rights) 

I did take a break today from being engulfed by my exasperation just long enough to have dinner at a Thai restaurant with Zack, Lydia, and Desmond. Des had fun (and by “had fun,” I mean “tried to nurse on everything”).

photo (4) photo (6)

photo (3)

He’s got a great personality.

Also, I move to Columbia Wednesday. I’m looking forward to continuing this Week of Shining Attitudes and Jubilant Opinions!***

*alright, we’ll say 47 just to be safe. but that is IT.
**DWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEBS
***but really, I’m excited about it. my grandma’s buying me a mattress. a mattress! no more sleeping on piles of dirt and rocks for this girl! 

Contender for Most Depressing Google Search: “Twin Bedspreads for Adults”

Your girl here is just trying to find a nice floral duvet cover. Related question: have things like rugs and curtains always been so expensive, or did all the retailers simultaneously jack up the prices once I started caring about rugs and curtains? I really don’t know which is more feasible. Either way, it’s depressing. I’ve got Anthropologie taste and a Dollar General budget.
In addition to the aforementioned items, I’ve been lusting over quilts and bookshelves for the past few days. What has become of me? When did I turn into the type of person who isn’t bored in Crate & Barrel? Today I got super excited about terrariums. Is this normal? Am I sick? Did someone poison me? If someone did poison me, couldn’t they have had the decency to use more effective poison?

Regardless of the reason, I’m excited to decorate my new room. I won’t let on too many of my plans for the sake of posting pictures when I finally get it done, but you can expect that as a devoted narcissist, I’ll have my own paintings on the walls. Also it’s cheaper that way.
You know what this means, y’all.

baby heads

The baby heads are back! (I went through a phase last year in painting class where I kind of resented that we had to do painting studies every other week of boring still life things so I decided to paint the same baby doll head every time because I thought it was funny and now I have some paintings of baby heads. My only regret is that I didn’t steal the doll head from the studio so I can continue painting it and also have another decoration for my room.)

photo (3)

I swear, you guys. I’m not morbid. It was just better than painting an apple or a teacup.

Backtracking: I called myself a “devoted narcissist,” which was mainly a joke, but I always do feel weird about hanging my own stuff up (and I’m pretty sure I am actually a narcissist). Is it vain to decorate with your own artwork? Is it weird to have four self-portraits in your room?* Maybe, and definitely, though the self-portraits were due to circumstances over which I had no control. (Drawing I- final project: self-portrait. Painting I- final project: self-portrait. Painting II- first project: self-portrait; final project: self-portrait. I hate art classes.)
At any rate, I guess I don’t care. I like painting things and I like looking at paintings.

I promise that I don’t only do doll heads and self-portraits (though I don’t see anything wrong with that). Here’s a thing I did last fall. My professor set out a bunch of stuff (pool noodles, plastic chairs, vases, wires, a ceramic dog, a white box, general crap, etc.) on a table and everyone in the class had to paint a still-life. I hated everything about it except the box. I liked the box.

box

I painted the box.

I’m going to end here since I have to wake up early to take care of a real baby and Google ideas for terrariums. If anyone wants to bond over how cool terrariums are or give me $500 so I can buy a really neat rug, drop me a line.

*at some point I need to stop making decisions based on what I think is funny.
“haha wouldn’t it be dumb if I painted my room a gross pinkish white person skin tone”
“haha wouldn’t it be dumb if I hung up a bunch of self-portraits in my room”
“haha wouldn’t it be dumb if I had a bunch of paintings of baby doll heads” etc. 

Painted My Room Coral and Talked Sharply to a Man at Lowe’s for Being Sexist Last Weekend

And oh man, it was a good weekend. I went to Columbia to paint my room in the condo I’m moving into next month since someone before me painted it a gross electric blue (like, Blue Man Group blue, which just makes it more disgusting). So, I painted it (with the help of a few kind, beautiful, lovely people*) a gross fleshy coral, which is way better. Fleshy like pinkish white people flesh, I mean. I like it because it matches my undertones and also makes me feel like I’m sitting inside a human body.

photo (6)

I’m not done yet.

photo (8)

But I’m hopeful. And very excited. And very good at painting rooms, obviously.

photo (5)

I’m planning to move something like the first week of June, which is almost here already. That makes me nervous. Mainly because I feel like I’ll be too busy doing other things to be bothered with finishing the painting and my walls will look like this as long as I live there (which wouldn’t be too terrible I guess except I really hate that blue and it reminds me how much I hate the Blue Man Group and I really hate the Blue Man Group).

On Talking Sharply to a Man at Lowe’s for Being Sexist:

I was in Lowe’s with three of my human male friends, choosing paint supplies. A man saw me telling the guys which stuff to pick up (you know, delegating like the queen/alpha dog I am) and he came over and told me that I should buy a metal pan instead of a plastic one. I told him thanks but I thought I was fine with the plastic one. Then he said something about it being cheap and asked, “so you’re just gonna spend big brother’s money on whatever you feel like?” gesturing to my tallest friend standing nearby. I analyzed this quickly, realizing:
1) this man must be saying “big brother” as in “doubtfully related to you because your skin tones are drastically different but probably your provider in some way since he’s tall and male and standing behind you”
2) this man is implying that I’m not only spending a boy’s money but that I’m spending it foolishly
3) this man is a sexist.
I told him that I was not spending “big brother’s” money and thanked him again for his concern, to which he responded, “oh, I thought you had big brother here–” interrupted by my, “I am spending my OWN money and I will spend my own money however I see FIT.” I then flounced away to get another plastic paint pan.
I even felt bad for a second for being sharp with him. But then I realized I shouldn’t feel bad about correcting a sexist giving unsolicited advice. He didn’t even work at Lowe’s. He was just a sexist giving unsolicited advice.

On the Positive Side of the Weekend:

We went strawberry picking!

photo (1)

Brandon (big brother) and I in the car on the way to pick strawberries, being very excited and not sexist

robert

Robert, picking strawberries and being very patriotic and not sexist

I did not take any artsy pictures of strawberries. Sorry to disappoint. That’s just not my (ahem) jam. Plus you probably all know what strawberries look like anyway. If not, I can direct you to a nice website called “Google.”

The weekend was good. This week was good too. I got some books from Amazon, and they are all beautiful and reaffirm my decision to not get a Kindle. Here’s an artsy picture of them because you probably don’t know what books look like.

photo (11)

BOOKS NEVER DIE

It’s also a clever way of showing that I’m not sexist.**

The moral of this post is that it’s fun to not be sexist and it’s also fun to pick strawberries and read books and not tell me how to spend my money.

 

*Shoutout to Lexus, her boyfriend, his brother, Robert, Brandon, and Darren. Lexus if you’re reading this I’m sorry I forgot your boyfriend’s name and also his brother’s name but I’m really bad with names and those times I asked you to remind me their names I really wasn’t listening because I was just congratulating myself on remembering to ask you to remind me their names. I will never know their names. Wait, your boyfriend’s name is Matt Matt, Matt’s Brother, Robert, Brandon, and Darren
**this is a jab at anyone who only reads books written by white men 

“My Knuckles Are Too Wrinkly”: A Woman’s Guide to Insecurity

There are a lot of things wrong with everyone. There are a lot of things wrong with you, specifically. I’m sure you know and obsess about them every day: cellulite, acne, stretch-marks, stomach rolls, leg stubble, split-ends, fat feet, flanky underarms, stubby eyelashes, stubby fingers, stubby calves, stubby ears, stubby ANYTHING, loose earlobes, smooshy knees, weak fingertips, lumpy eyelids.

But those are rookie concerns. Any seasoned Professional Insecure Woman knows that there are so many more things to worry about, beginning with but not limited to:

  • knuckle wrinkles (you’d better spring for botox!)
  • eyeballs not white enough (you have red veins in your eyeballs? that’s disgusting)
  • palm creases (gross. wrinkles are gross)
  • cuticles (everyone cares about your cuticles! your cuticles are everything! I don’t know what cuticles are)
  • turkey neck (you have skin on your neck? gross) 
  • goose neck (this happens when your neck is an actual goose’s neck)
  • pores (famous people don’t have pores. this is a fact)
  • bony elbows (inject your butt fat into your elbows to get smooth and voluptuous elbows) 
  • lumpy butt (your butt is lumpy from having fat extracted from it, sorry)
  • any hair on your face at all (pouring hot wax all over your face is part of being a lady, honey)
  • misshapen nostrils (get corrective surgery to make your nostrils perfect circles)
  • flanky thighs (your thighs aren’t the same circumference as your calves? you’re disgusting) 
  • chin meat (there’s no excuse for chin meat)
  • smells (your body should never have any smells ever, other than the oil and myrrh you must bathe in for three hours every night) 
  • tree-trunk legs (your legs are too big!)
  • chicken legs (your legs are also too small!)
  • monkey shoulders (I shouldn’t have to explain this)
  • beef toes (your toes look like beef)

And if you’re NOT concerned, well. You should be. I think the problem with today’s species of woman is that they’re too self-possessed, they have too many aspirations, they talk too much, they know how to type and how to use the internet, they’re not WORRYING enough about what they look like! It’s shameful. And women aren’t supposed to be funny, either. If you’re a woman making jokes or having opinions, that means you’re not spending enough time focusing on your flaws. Stop tweeting and shave your arms, sister!

Alright, ladies. Let’s wrap this up with a few basic rules to remember.

  1. Assume everyone thinks you’re disgusting. It is your job to convince them that you are immaculate. Never do anything a real human would do.
  2. Always carry a mirror with you. Actually, just tape a lot of mirrors to yourself every day. If you interact with mostly the same people often, tape mirrors to them too, just in case.
  3. The more you laugh, the more wrinkles you get!! Try to dull your sense of humor as much as you can. Practice being expressionless and joyless.
  4. You can never shave your legs enough times in a day.

Hopefully we’ll all start being a little more mindful of what really matters.

I’ve got to go flat-iron my knuckles.

Realistic Career Goals and Aspirations: Doctor, Lawyer, Shepherd, Candlestick, Outdated Web Browser, Bug Stain on the Wall

I’ve had a lot of great ideas this week; I’ve been thinking about my future, making plans to reach success and happiness, etc. A few nights ago I started a list of things I want to be.

photo

Probably any of these would be a solid choice in determining my future. I would like to expand that list now, adding these possible career ideas:

8. one of those people who are super into horses
9. someone who uses the word “brevity” a lot
10. caricature of an oil tycoon
11. J.K. Rowling before she started writing boring adult novels
12. obscure mythological creature
13. the sound of rain on a tin roof
14. field of wildflowers at dusk
15. Tom Selleck’s mustache

Life is full of possibilities. I am very hopeful.

I feel slightly cheap writing the majority of this post in list format given the current state of modern journalism, but I’d been making irrelevant lists long before Buzzfeed started expelling their personal brand of uncreative meme-based garbage, so it is my right and I will not be swayed.

That said, another thing I worked on this week is a list of things I love, because it’s good to dwell on the positives every once in a while instead of stewing in negativity and resentment like I usually do. Please share in my joy!

I LOVE THESE THINGS:

  • sugar syrup
  • trapeze swingers
  • lamps
  • books with nice covers (I DISCRIMINATE)
  • medium-roast coffee
  • crime drama tv shows with strong female leads
  • post-apocalypse movies
  • GETTING TEN STAMPS ON MY CARD AT JITTERY JOE’S BECAUSE A COUPLE OF THE BARISTAS REALLY LIKE ME AND STAMP MY CARD MORE THAN ONCE EVEN WHEN IT’S NOT TWO-STAMP TUESDAY
  • two-stamp tuesday
  • Jason Momoa being in more movies lately
  • dotted lines
  • my blue sweater
  • my tent
  • Kerry Washington’s top lip
  • fake nails
  • cool old ladies
  • strong handshakes
  • DANCING
  • sheep

Shoutout to Desmond’s nap and my good mood for letting me write this morning. Also, I’m going home this weekend so I’ll get to see some people I really love and reconnect with my favorite Waffle House. It’s gonna be a good day.

I’ve Been Storing Life Advice for My Future Grandchildren (or Disillusioned Youths, Lonely Stray Dogs, or Whoever Else Will Listen to Me When I’m Old)

My advice comes in the form of anecdotes-that-aren’t-really-anecdotes I write on my phone before I fall asleep. I will transcribe them here for you because life is fleeting and beautiful and I’m not doing anything else right now.

Life Advice No. 1:
“It would be very hard to bite the skin off someone’s knuckles and it would be very hard to have someone bite the skin off your knuckles. I know this because sometimes I bite my knuckles when I’m mad and I always regret it because it hurts.”

No. 2:
“When I was little I played a demo game on my brother’s PS1 that was some street fighter thing and it had a blue tiger or a guy who turned into a blue tiger idk but I always played as the blue tiger because he had a really cool claw move that I admired and anyway I forgot all about it until I was 19 and then I wanted to play it again but the PS1 was gone and the game was lost and I couldn’t remember the name of it so I typed variations of “fighting game blue tiger” into google and spent hours looking through character lists on games’ wiki pages and I never found it and I gave up but then a few months later I saw a screenshot of a game someone had reblogged on tumblr and it turned out to be the game with the tiger and I was very relieved. So basically you probably should give up when you try really hard because everything will happen when you don’t try and the universe is annoying that way.”

No. 3:
“Stay in school. Or don’t. Really, it’s kind of whatever you’re feeling.”

No. 4:
“Find happiness in rectangles.” (Yo, I have no idea what this means)

No. 5:
“People’s opinions don’t matter. Cut your hair with yellow safety scissors in your bathroom. Enjoy moments you’re alone or surrounded or crying in your car because existence is weird and scary and that’s just how it is and how it’s always been and sorry but you can’t do anything about it (but neither can anyone else). Listen to the same song 32 times in a day. Put coconut oil on your face.”

No. 6:
“One time in poetry class I ruined most of the group sestinas because I didn’t realize the themes had to be the same throughout the poems and oh man was I embarrassed. I’m convinced everyone in that class still thinks I’m stupid. That’s fine though.”

No. 7:
“There are so many people in the world. Like, so many people. You can meet a lot of people if you want to. It’s dumb to get hung up on one person who doesn’t even like you that much. Just like, go meet someone else.”

No. 8:
“IF YOU THINK U TOO GROWN FOR THE ZOO THEN GET OUTTA MY FACE. THE ZOO IS FUN”

No. 9:
“I accidentally saw a picture on facebook of the boy I had the biggest crush on from 3rd to 5th grade. We were best friends in school together but summer before 6th grade he was super mean to me on AIM and I cried every night for months. He went to a different middle school and I hated every boy until I was 14. According to the picture, he ended up with tribal tattoos and a celtic knot necklace, taking webcam pictures of himself playing the guitar. It all works out in the end.” 

No. 10:
“Don’t drop a lawnmower on your foot. I cannot stress this enough.”

Thanks, y’all. I hope to influence many.